SONA-vagan!
Days before the president’s state of the nation address, militant lawmakers have decided to boycott the opening of sessions. They allege PGMA will recite the same antics all over again.
SONA vagan!
oOo
House security officials say they are experts in ensuring the safety of SONA, having done the same preparations since time immemorial. Authorities claim GMA’s last SONA as president faces no serious threat.
They want to be sure that next year GMA will deliver her first SONA as Prime Minister.
oOo
Some fear the joint session of congress during SONA might be used to railroad the approval of the hotly-contested Constituent Assembly resolution calling for Charter change. Con-Ass proponents will push for joint voting, relegating senators to the sidelines.
SONA vabits! Gulo yan!
oOo
But congressmen pushing for the Con-Ass resolution have assured no such thing will happen.
SONA naman.
oOo
In a nutshell, PGMA is expected to recap her administration’s feats during her incumbency. A matter of pure political and economic cosmetics, say her critics.
This is a job for Dr. Vicky Belo!
oOo
No. She will not reveal her new CUP size and thank her plastic surgeon.
oOo
Sen. Richard Gordon wants amnesty given to Abu Sayyaf bandits. He explains this will finally cure the problem.
Then he will take them in as Red Cross volunteers! OMG!
oOo
They say no ransom was paid for the release of ICRC volunteers who were held captive by the Abu Sayyaf for months. Local officials say only money intended as “cigarette allowance” (panigarilyo) was sent to the group.
Hoping ASG members die of lung cancer! Nice trick.
oOo
Last week, Sec. Ronnie Puno of the DILG was hugging and kissing his pet dog, Magnus Portis, as he announced an all-out “law enforcement” campaign against the ASG.
I think the DILG secretary would have appeared more threatening if he brought in a PIG!
oOo
With this in mind, the armed forces should review its policy on the use of its K-9 units. Instead of dogs, soldiers should try releasing hordes of SWINE in the jungles of Sulu and Basilan or drop double dead meat from the air.
No harm in trying, anyway.
Monday, July 20, 2009
KICKIN' THE HABIT
Kickin’ the habit
Priest-turned-politician Ed Panlilio announces intention to run for president. Says he is ready to leave priesthood.
Kickin’ the old HABIT.
oOo
Bishops are unhappy. They say Panlilio’s plan will “confuse the faithful” and is contrary to Canon Law.
Look who’s talking.
oOo
For years, Church leaders have been meddling in State affairs but they refuse to admit it. Whatever happened to the separation of Church and State?
Priest by vocation and politician by profession. Uh-oh. Double compensation.
oOo
Among Ed’s supporters say running the affairs of the State is better off undertaken by a man of faith.
I laugh at the thought of Internal Revenue and Customs collectors running around with donation boxes and pouches. And all incomes will be tithed. Taxes will be at a uniform rate of 10 percent. Goodbye, VAT! Har-har-har!
oOo
If he wins, Among Ed as commander-in-chief of the armed forces and being a man of peace, will replace guns with crosses, bombs with roses.
The AFP and PNP will both be headed by full-fledged CARDINALS!
oOo
They say the Lord calls on Among Ed to run for president.
Is it the DRUG or GAMBLING lord?
oOo
His first move would be to EXORCISE Malacanang and transfer the seat of government from the Palace to the nearby St. Jude chapel.
oOo
Not to be outdone, the El Shaddai and Jesus is Lord Movement will field Bros. Mike Velarde and Eddie Villanueva, respectively, against Panlilio.
And ALL three will vie to win the Iglesia Ni Cristo votes!
oOo
After the bombings in Indonesia, security officials proposed that 200 more CCTVs be installed around the metropolis.
To head the project is Dr. Hayden Kho, who recently earned his doctorate in voyeurism.
oOo
DILG Sec. Ronnie Puno denies he was planning to leave PGMA. From a two-week vacation in the US, he returned with a PUPPY named Magnus Portis.
At nadagdagan ang mga TUTA sa gobyerno. Whew!
oOo
Puno is a leading contender in the race for vice president. If he wins, alongside Fr. Ed Panlilio, the country will surely reap the bounties of God’s graces.
PUNO ka ng grasya!
Priest-turned-politician Ed Panlilio announces intention to run for president. Says he is ready to leave priesthood.
Kickin’ the old HABIT.
oOo
Bishops are unhappy. They say Panlilio’s plan will “confuse the faithful” and is contrary to Canon Law.
Look who’s talking.
oOo
For years, Church leaders have been meddling in State affairs but they refuse to admit it. Whatever happened to the separation of Church and State?
Priest by vocation and politician by profession. Uh-oh. Double compensation.
oOo
Among Ed’s supporters say running the affairs of the State is better off undertaken by a man of faith.
I laugh at the thought of Internal Revenue and Customs collectors running around with donation boxes and pouches. And all incomes will be tithed. Taxes will be at a uniform rate of 10 percent. Goodbye, VAT! Har-har-har!
oOo
If he wins, Among Ed as commander-in-chief of the armed forces and being a man of peace, will replace guns with crosses, bombs with roses.
The AFP and PNP will both be headed by full-fledged CARDINALS!
oOo
They say the Lord calls on Among Ed to run for president.
Is it the DRUG or GAMBLING lord?
oOo
His first move would be to EXORCISE Malacanang and transfer the seat of government from the Palace to the nearby St. Jude chapel.
oOo
Not to be outdone, the El Shaddai and Jesus is Lord Movement will field Bros. Mike Velarde and Eddie Villanueva, respectively, against Panlilio.
And ALL three will vie to win the Iglesia Ni Cristo votes!
oOo
After the bombings in Indonesia, security officials proposed that 200 more CCTVs be installed around the metropolis.
To head the project is Dr. Hayden Kho, who recently earned his doctorate in voyeurism.
oOo
DILG Sec. Ronnie Puno denies he was planning to leave PGMA. From a two-week vacation in the US, he returned with a PUPPY named Magnus Portis.
At nadagdagan ang mga TUTA sa gobyerno. Whew!
oOo
Puno is a leading contender in the race for vice president. If he wins, alongside Fr. Ed Panlilio, the country will surely reap the bounties of God’s graces.
PUNO ka ng grasya!
SUCK MY DUCK
SUCK MY DUCK
UP Prof. Randy David says he will contest the president’s rumored bid for a congressional seat in Pampanga. A published photo showed David on a Ducati motorbike- also known as the DUCK. Sadly, he was not wearing any helmet and Malacanang was quick to spot the traffic violation.
He’s got a ticket to ride?
oOo
Presidential son Mikey Arroyo immediately downplays the threat and belittles David, comparing the anticipated poll contest to that of the Biblical battle between King David and the giant Goliath who, as if none of us already knew, lost.
A Ducati is faster at full speed and definitely deadlier than a slingshot. But David should wear his helmet this time.
oOo
Commission on Human Rights chairperson Leila De Lima says they’re close to identifying the head of the dreaded Davao Death Squad (DDS). She adds there are indications pointing to the possible involvement of local government officials with the connivance of local uniformed officers in cases of summary killings.
No. She’s not running for mayor of Davao City. Trabaho lang.
oOo
House Speaker Prospero Nograles announces he will not call for an investigation into the operations of the DDS. He explains he doesn’t want to be accused of politicking. A wise move.
But he calls on the CHR, the Senate and the Ombudsman to conduct their probes.
Hands Off!?
oOo
International Red Cross Volunteer Eugenio Vagni was finally released after six months in captivity by the Abu Sayyaf. Poor Vagni suffered from HERNIA, which worsened his predicament. But now he has safely rejoined his family.
He was not in a LOSE-LOSE situation afterall.
oOo
Instead of paying ransom, government agents allegedly held the wives of Abu Sayyaf leaders for a gamble. An eye for an eye. A WIFE for a husband. A trick that worked in favor of Vagni.
What if the bandits were Christians? Still, don’t take the mother-in-law.
oOo
Political parties Lakas and Kampi have merged to form a new political party. Partido Lakas Kampi.
A.k.a. PALAKA
oOo
Erap’s Partido ng Masang Pilipino decided to join to form a much bigger party- Partido ng Masang Kampi sa Lakas.
A.k.a. PAMAKLA
oOo
The only way to effectively change the Constitution is to combine all modes of amending it- People’s Initiative, Con-Ass and Con-con.
PICON!
oOo
Reports claim the president had a breast implant. If so, I’m sure it wasn’t done by Dr. Vicky Belo who, if not for those sex videos involving her boyfriend Hayden, would have become Mrs. Vicky Kho. PGMA could never last a second under the knife of a surgeon named Vicky.
Sabagay, ibang Vicky ‘to!!!
oOo
There will be a new Cabinet revamp. So they say. With less than a year in office, PGMA’s men will surely cling to their current posts. No wonder if they, too, would embark on various projects. They’re not supposed to receive separation or retirement benefits after May 2010. They will have to scrape for whatever crumbs are left.
My advice: Borrow Randy David’s helmet, guys. Malamang mabukulan kayo!
UP Prof. Randy David says he will contest the president’s rumored bid for a congressional seat in Pampanga. A published photo showed David on a Ducati motorbike- also known as the DUCK. Sadly, he was not wearing any helmet and Malacanang was quick to spot the traffic violation.
He’s got a ticket to ride?
oOo
Presidential son Mikey Arroyo immediately downplays the threat and belittles David, comparing the anticipated poll contest to that of the Biblical battle between King David and the giant Goliath who, as if none of us already knew, lost.
A Ducati is faster at full speed and definitely deadlier than a slingshot. But David should wear his helmet this time.
oOo
Commission on Human Rights chairperson Leila De Lima says they’re close to identifying the head of the dreaded Davao Death Squad (DDS). She adds there are indications pointing to the possible involvement of local government officials with the connivance of local uniformed officers in cases of summary killings.
No. She’s not running for mayor of Davao City. Trabaho lang.
oOo
House Speaker Prospero Nograles announces he will not call for an investigation into the operations of the DDS. He explains he doesn’t want to be accused of politicking. A wise move.
But he calls on the CHR, the Senate and the Ombudsman to conduct their probes.
Hands Off!?
oOo
International Red Cross Volunteer Eugenio Vagni was finally released after six months in captivity by the Abu Sayyaf. Poor Vagni suffered from HERNIA, which worsened his predicament. But now he has safely rejoined his family.
He was not in a LOSE-LOSE situation afterall.
oOo
Instead of paying ransom, government agents allegedly held the wives of Abu Sayyaf leaders for a gamble. An eye for an eye. A WIFE for a husband. A trick that worked in favor of Vagni.
What if the bandits were Christians? Still, don’t take the mother-in-law.
oOo
Political parties Lakas and Kampi have merged to form a new political party. Partido Lakas Kampi.
A.k.a. PALAKA
oOo
Erap’s Partido ng Masang Pilipino decided to join to form a much bigger party- Partido ng Masang Kampi sa Lakas.
A.k.a. PAMAKLA
oOo
The only way to effectively change the Constitution is to combine all modes of amending it- People’s Initiative, Con-Ass and Con-con.
PICON!
oOo
Reports claim the president had a breast implant. If so, I’m sure it wasn’t done by Dr. Vicky Belo who, if not for those sex videos involving her boyfriend Hayden, would have become Mrs. Vicky Kho. PGMA could never last a second under the knife of a surgeon named Vicky.
Sabagay, ibang Vicky ‘to!!!
oOo
There will be a new Cabinet revamp. So they say. With less than a year in office, PGMA’s men will surely cling to their current posts. No wonder if they, too, would embark on various projects. They’re not supposed to receive separation or retirement benefits after May 2010. They will have to scrape for whatever crumbs are left.
My advice: Borrow Randy David’s helmet, guys. Malamang mabukulan kayo!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Back With A Vengeance
After a long, deep slumber, Remate Tonight is back on the streets to fill that space on newsstands left vacant for years. Bigger, better and bolder than ever.
From its purely masa format, the paper has morphed wonderfully into something that responds to the call of the times, tailor fit for the Global Pinoy. Thanks to the genius of the paper’s new owner and publisher who once dreamt of acquiring the old Remate Tonight where he started his career in journalism as a cub- National Press Club President Benny Antiporda. Coupled with the prolific Joe Torres who is now at the helm of the publication’s editorial team, Remate Tonight is sure to soar great heights and regain its crown as one of the country’s princes of Tabloids. For one to claim kingship would be ignoble, if not totally ridiculous. Afterall, tabloids have been collectively lording it over other classes of publications, readership wise.
oOo
The team-up of Mssrs. Antiporda and Torres- both previously subjected to harsh criticisms by a few self-righteous industry peers- will definitely raise eyebrows. Who among them critics are purely legit by the way? I can count some in. The others?
Spite me.
oOo
Now, to business.
From his pathetic Boy Padyak caper to becoming a more pathetic garlic-wielding Con-Asswang warrior, Sen. Mar Roxas is once again back on the headlines for crying out against the delayed implementation of the Maximum Retail Price (MRP) for medicines, his brainchild. Doesn’t MRP sound more of a political acronym- Mar Roxas for President?
Cheaper medicines or cheap trick? Another cheap gimmick.
oOo
Presidential Anti-Smuggling Group chief Antonio Villar and Optical Media Board chairman Edu Manzano are at loggerheads over some missing DVD replicating machines. Villar claims the same replicating machines went missing after they were first seized during the time of now Sen. Bong Revilla as OMB head.
A replicated incident. A clear machination.
oOo
The machines were allegedly consigned to a wealthy Chinese businessman from North of Manila. A “king” on his own right, the businessman also belongs to a powerful clan of politicians. He is known in the underworld as “Mr. G.”
GOTCHA!!!
oOo
Quezon City is close to becoming the country’s entertainment capital with all those bright lights from strip clubs, gay bars and other night spots illuminating the city every night. Unknown to many, a group of gamblers who are mostly owners of these night spots have been secretly operating underground POKER games around the city and under the noses of city government and police officials. From POKING to POKER capital.
POKER ina na yan!
oOo
House Speaker Prospero Nograles says they are more concerned with the spread of the A H1N1 virus in congress than the influx of protesters come PGMA’s State of the Nation Address. He fails to state, however, if the president, congressmen and senators are susceptible to the disease or not.
Hope their congressional IMMUNITY works!
oOo
A faction of younger generals in the military is reportedly planning to takeover the armed forces’ leadership from their seniors through Oplan: August Moon. The scheme aims to catapult Gen. Delfin Bangit of PMA Class 1978 to the top military post, sidelining senior generals from older PMA classes.
Bad news: Pagasa predicts more typhoons will visit the country by next month with most making landfall by night. Ergo, NO moon in August.
Sorry, guys.
oOo
Atty Ferdinand Topacio, counsel for the Jimenez family members accused of masterminding the killing of Ruby Rose Barrameda presumes that the victim is still alive, judging from the lack of a DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) sample from the cadaver fished out off Navotas harbor previously.
This lawyer should be sent to Neverland and check out if Michael Jackson’s alive too.
Beat it, Topakcio!
From its purely masa format, the paper has morphed wonderfully into something that responds to the call of the times, tailor fit for the Global Pinoy. Thanks to the genius of the paper’s new owner and publisher who once dreamt of acquiring the old Remate Tonight where he started his career in journalism as a cub- National Press Club President Benny Antiporda. Coupled with the prolific Joe Torres who is now at the helm of the publication’s editorial team, Remate Tonight is sure to soar great heights and regain its crown as one of the country’s princes of Tabloids. For one to claim kingship would be ignoble, if not totally ridiculous. Afterall, tabloids have been collectively lording it over other classes of publications, readership wise.
oOo
The team-up of Mssrs. Antiporda and Torres- both previously subjected to harsh criticisms by a few self-righteous industry peers- will definitely raise eyebrows. Who among them critics are purely legit by the way? I can count some in. The others?
Spite me.
oOo
Now, to business.
From his pathetic Boy Padyak caper to becoming a more pathetic garlic-wielding Con-Asswang warrior, Sen. Mar Roxas is once again back on the headlines for crying out against the delayed implementation of the Maximum Retail Price (MRP) for medicines, his brainchild. Doesn’t MRP sound more of a political acronym- Mar Roxas for President?
Cheaper medicines or cheap trick? Another cheap gimmick.
oOo
Presidential Anti-Smuggling Group chief Antonio Villar and Optical Media Board chairman Edu Manzano are at loggerheads over some missing DVD replicating machines. Villar claims the same replicating machines went missing after they were first seized during the time of now Sen. Bong Revilla as OMB head.
A replicated incident. A clear machination.
oOo
The machines were allegedly consigned to a wealthy Chinese businessman from North of Manila. A “king” on his own right, the businessman also belongs to a powerful clan of politicians. He is known in the underworld as “Mr. G.”
GOTCHA!!!
oOo
Quezon City is close to becoming the country’s entertainment capital with all those bright lights from strip clubs, gay bars and other night spots illuminating the city every night. Unknown to many, a group of gamblers who are mostly owners of these night spots have been secretly operating underground POKER games around the city and under the noses of city government and police officials. From POKING to POKER capital.
POKER ina na yan!
oOo
House Speaker Prospero Nograles says they are more concerned with the spread of the A H1N1 virus in congress than the influx of protesters come PGMA’s State of the Nation Address. He fails to state, however, if the president, congressmen and senators are susceptible to the disease or not.
Hope their congressional IMMUNITY works!
oOo
A faction of younger generals in the military is reportedly planning to takeover the armed forces’ leadership from their seniors through Oplan: August Moon. The scheme aims to catapult Gen. Delfin Bangit of PMA Class 1978 to the top military post, sidelining senior generals from older PMA classes.
Bad news: Pagasa predicts more typhoons will visit the country by next month with most making landfall by night. Ergo, NO moon in August.
Sorry, guys.
oOo
Atty Ferdinand Topacio, counsel for the Jimenez family members accused of masterminding the killing of Ruby Rose Barrameda presumes that the victim is still alive, judging from the lack of a DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) sample from the cadaver fished out off Navotas harbor previously.
This lawyer should be sent to Neverland and check out if Michael Jackson’s alive too.
Beat it, Topakcio!
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